no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
