Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
