You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
