I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
did you just send me my own nude
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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