shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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