I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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