Cold hands, warm shart.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
