OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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