It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
