you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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