Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
