A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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