How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
