It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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