i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
