mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
