My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
