The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
