before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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