so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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