So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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