you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
