you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Randomize
