pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize