i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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