Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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