please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
