If i could tip my vagina, i would.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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