I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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