dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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