The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Randomize
