I must be too annoying 4 u.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize