As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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