3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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