i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize