Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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