Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize