His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
