My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
