i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize