I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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