So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You don't make any sense
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