When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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