I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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