Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
