Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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