I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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