it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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