after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize