i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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