I CAN MOONWALK!
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
