I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
