I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
