low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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