So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
