I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
