All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
don't judge my taste in strippers
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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