Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I FOUND THE LEGS
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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