Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
