I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
