a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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