she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
worst night to have a conscience
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
