at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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