OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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