I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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